Dating With Intention: What to Ask Before Committing to a Relationship

It can be exciting when you finally start to date someone you like and find attractive. You might be tempted to take down your dating profile and focus on getting to know your new match. But before you invest fully, being intentional and asking the right questions can help determine whether a relationship has long-term potential.

Research shows that relationship satisfaction and longevity are strongly influenced by compatibility in values, communication styles, and life goals (Gottman, 2015). By evaluating a potential partner by these markers early on, you can save time, emotional energy, and heartbreak.

If you’ve met someone promising, here are essential questions to ask yourself and your partner, before committing, to determine if he’s your happily ever after… or someone to toss back into the dating pool.

Key Questions to Ask Before Committing to a Relationship

How Do You Feel During and After Your Dates?

Do you feel safe, comfortable, and seen? Can you relax and be yourself,  or are you second-guessing your words or actions? The right partner will make you feel valued and at ease, not anxious, confused, or emotionally drained.

How Does He Treat You?

From the first date onward, observe how he treats you. Does he ask thoughtful questions, listen to your responses, and remember what you’ve said? Is he considerate of your time and respectful of your boundaries? Emotional responsiveness is a proven predictor of long-term relationship satisfaction (Hazan & Shaver, 1987).

How Does He Talk About His Exes?

If he refers to all his exes as “crazy” or “toxic,” that’s a red flag. It may signal a lack of accountability or unresolved emotional baggage. Conversely, respectful language about past partners often indicates emotional maturity.

If he maintains contact with an ex, consider how that feels to you. Ongoing connections with exes can create friction if either partner is uncomfortable. My former partner resented that I stayed friends with an ex and his wife. My husband, on the other hand, trusts me, making for a far more peaceful dynamic.

Are You Financially Aligned?

Financial alignment isn’t just about income. It’s about values and priorities. Do you both value travel and education or cars and tech? Prefer to save or spend? Are you thoughtful with money, or spontaneous?

Financial compatibility often matters more than income level in long-term relationships. While incomes may fluctuate, core money values tend to remain consistent. Since money is one of the top causes of relationship conflicts (Dew, 2011), discussing this early can help avoid future issues.

Do You Have Similar Life Goals?

How does he envision his future—and how do you see yours? Is he happy living where he is, or dreaming of relocating? Is he fulfilled in his career, or thinking of making a change, like starting a business or going back to school?

Alignment around lifestyle preferences is important before making a deeper commitment. 

What Kind of Relationship Is He Looking For?

Be sure to confirm this in early dating, despite what his profile indicates. Asking this as an open-ended question will help you identify vague daters who say things like “I’m not sure” or “I’m open to anything.” If he dodges the question or turns it around on you, take note. It's likely a red flag.

If he says he wants a committed relationship or marriage, ask follow-up questions like:

• Whose relationship do you admire—and why?
• What would you keep or change from your parents’ relationship?

Someone who has reflected on what they want is more likely to be serious. An identical vision isn't required, but you want to identify potential nonstarters up front to avoid future heartbreak.

What Did You Like (or Dislike) About How You Were Raised?

Our early experiences shape how we relate to others, often in ways we don’t realize. Understanding how someone was raised and how they feel about it can give you insight into their relationship expectations, communication style, and emotional availability.

For example, did they grow up in a family where affection was freely expressed, or was love shown more through actions than words? Were emotions discussed—or avoided? What parts are they are choosing to keep from their childhood, and what are they doing differently?

These conversations can help you assess whether your relational styles complement or clash.

How Important Is Religion or Spirituality to You?

Whether you’re deeply spiritual, culturally connected to your faith, or not religious, your beliefs can shape traditions, holidays, community, and parenting. You don’t need total alignment, but you do need mutual respect and openness.

Do You Want Children?

This is one of the most important topics to clarify in early dating because preferences in this area rarely change. Even if the person’s dating app profile has indicated a preference, confirm in conversation.

If one of you wants children and the other doesn’t (or isn’t sure), that’s a mismatch worth addressing early.

Follow-up questions include:

• How many children would you like—and when?
• Would one of us stay home, or would both of us continue working?
• How would we divide parenting responsibilities?
• Would we want outside help, like a nanny or daycare?

Final Thoughts

Knowing what to ask and when will help you avoid investing time and energy into a relationship that isn’t aligned with your values or goals. These questions aren’t about being needy or putting pressure on the other person. They’re about creating clarity. 

Choosing a long-term partner is an important decision. Asking smart, intentional questions will enable you to identify a partner who is the right choice for you.

Feeling unsure about someone you’re dating? A relationship and dating coach can help you spot red flags, clarify your non-negotiables, and create a strategy that works for you. You don’t have to figure it all out alone.

If you'd like to learn more about Intentional Dating, check out this post:

Intentional Dating: What it is and how to leverage it

About Me 

Hi, I’m Rachel, and my coaching practice is dedicated to ensuring that successful professional women achieve the same success in their romantic relationships that they have in their careers.

If you are struggling to find a great partner to date or marry, I can help.

As a coach, I understand that each person's journey to a great partner is unique. That's why I offer customized coaching plans for your situation.

In our work together, we’ll uncover any patterns or beliefs that may be standing in your way and create a personalized path to help you move forward with confidence. I’ll be there to support you every step of the way.

If this resonates with you, let’s connect. A dating strategy session could be your first step toward creating the relationship you’re looking for.