Intentional Dating: What it is and how to get started

I speak to a lot of women’s groups and one question that has been top of mind for single women recently is intentional dating. They want to know what dating with intention is, if it works and if they should try it. 

Whether you call it intentional dating, dating with purpose, or strategic dating, what it boils down to is getting clear on what you are looking for and taking deliberate steps to achieve it. Think of it like a business plan. You know what you want to achieve and your business plan outlines the steps that you are going to take to get there. 

So how do you do it? How do you date with intention?

Step 1: Get clear on what you want out of dating

An essential component of any plan, be it personal or professional is knowing what you are trying to achieve. What is the goal of dating for you?

Start by pinpointing what you want and need from dating. Do you want a long-term relationship or something more casual?  Is getting married and having kids important or are you done with all that?  What would make you feel like you have accomplished your relationship goals?

Next, identify your dating criteria. Dating criteria include your desires, preferences, and any non-negotiables. When creating your list, stay away from characteristics like physical attributes.  Instead, focus your criteria on things like the values you want to share with your partner and how you want to feel when you are with your partner.

For example, instead of focusing your dating criteria on having an advanced degree, focus on finding someone who shares your value of intellectual curiosity. Instead of wanting a man who is 6 feet tall, focus on how a tall man makes you feel and look for that feeling instead of height when you date.

Once you have your goal and your list of criteria, it can be helpful to prioritize it.  Think of your top 3-5 criteria as must-haves and the next 3-5 as nice to have. Put your list somewhere where you can review it regularly. 

Step 2: Be Authentic

We all want to be liked. It's only natural when you're on a date with someone who you find attractive and charming, that you want your date to think that you are attractive and charming too. 

But not at the cost of laughing at a joke you find distasteful or pretending to like football when you don’t.  Being authentic means being true to your values, your passions, and who you are as a person. 

This is important because the ONLY way to find someone who loves what is special about you is by showing your dates the true you. Showing up honestly and authentically will dramatically increase the likelihood that when you do find someone it will be for the right reasons.

Being honest and direct about who you are and what you want will improve your chances of meeting the right person and save you time in the long run. 

Step 3: Stop following other people's rules

How soon should I respond to his texts? Is it too soon to ask about seeing each other exclusively?  How many dates should we go on before we sleep together?  These are questions that often come up when facing a new relationship and everybody from your best friend to some distant acquaintance on your Instagram feed has a “rule” that they swear by. 

A lot of thought goes into this because women worry that they will “scare him off” or seem needy if they are forthright in representing their own interests. But you can’t scare off someone who is sincerely interested in you.  Waiting for your partner to initiate a conversation about dating exclusively or having children isn't likely to change the outcome of the conversation. Waiting only changes the timing of the conversion.

The whole point of dating is to find someone who fits you, not a version of yourself who is trying to play by other people’s rules. Being authentic means following your own rules and going at a pace that is comfortable for you. If you're excited, be excited and share that with your potential partner. If you want things to go slower say so.

They likely feel the same and if they don’t, you have information that can help you to intentionally choose your next step.

Step 4: Keep your commitment to yourself

If the relationship is meant to be having an honest conversation about your hopes and expectations will deepen it. If it isn't meant to be, it's best to find that out sooner rather than later.

Being upfront about what you are looking for from the onset will save you heartache in the long run. It is much better to be disappointed after a handful of dates than after several years of hoping that your partner will evolve into what you need them to be.

Being open early in a relationship requires courage and commitment to your needs and your vision for the future. It’s not always easy to take a deep breath and ask for what you need to be happy. Yet a cornerstone of efficient, effective dating requires that you vet potential partners properly. 

Committing to yourself means protecting yourself from needless heartbreak by partners who will never be able to give you what you need. It also means ensuring that you don't waste time on hopeless situations and instead focus the energy you spend dating on high-potential partners. 

Step 5: Know when to say goodbye

Showing up authentically also means listening to your intuition. If someone makes you feel uncomfortable, unsafe, or bad about yourself on the first date, listen to that feeling. 

Pay attention not only to what your dates say, but also to what they do, and look for any misalignment between the two.  Be clear about your non-negotiables and be ready to disengage if you catch your date in a lie or worse.   Finally, be aware of someone who is too compatible or too agreeable. Are they being real or are they telling you what you want to hear?  In the long term, these facades don’t endure. 

Someone who looked great on paper may not turn out to be all that you expected. But by being authentic, listening to your intuition, and going at your own pace you will identify any problems before long-term emotional damage is done. 

The bottom line

Finally, dating with intention is letting go of the ridiculous idea that the only way to have a relationship is to settle.  By dating with intention you are committing to finding a relationship that suits you and to believing that you are worthy of the relationship that you seek. 

Intentional dating is about not compromising or being distracted by a potential partner who is ok, or not so bad. It's about committing yourself to finding true love and making a plan to achieve it.

Good luck!

About Me 

Hi, I’m Rachel Simeone and my coaching practice is dedicated to ensuring that successful professional women, just like you, achieve the same success in their romantic relationships that they have in their careers. Through my signature coaching program, you will learn how to leverage your business skills to meet better men and accelerate your ability to find a great partner.   

To get started, schedule a free dating strategy call.  On this call, we’ll identify your dating goals establish your dating style, and discuss a dating strategy that will empower you to find the relationship you desire faster and with less emotional toll.