Better Dating | A Surprising Success Habit That Works

Lately, I’ve been thinking about this quote from the famous leadership coach Marshall Goldsmith:

“People don’t stumble on success, they choose it.”

For most clients, choosing success, whether academic or in their careers, feels achievable. You’ve likely chosen success by working hard, building key skills, and showing up even when things were tough or uncomfortable.

But when it comes to dating, success can feel like it’s out of your hands. No matter how much you date or how determined you are, the right person remains out of reach and unattainable. Dating success seems driven by luck and not anything you can control.

You’re not alone. Many successful women feel disempowered by dating. It can feel like no matter what you do, you can’t create the results you want.

But what if dating success isn’t about chance? What if success is something you can choose?

How to choose dating success

If you Google “drivers of success”, you’ll find the usual suspects: determination, delayed gratification, positive attitude, and support from others. And, if you think about your success, you will probably see that these elements played a role.

But two often overlooked factors are just as important: learning and process improvement.

If you consider your career, you will likely see that these two factors were critical to transforming your effort and determination into measurable results.  And, they are especially important in dating.

However, most people who date focus on the outcome, finding the right partner. It’s completely understandable to measure success that way.  But when you focus only on the outcome, each date becomes a binary win/lose scenario. Every date that doesn’t lead to a relationship feels like a failure. This accounting can wear you down over 20, 40, or 80 “failed” dates.

Measure progress, not outcome

What if, instead of focusing on the outcome, you focus on what you can learn and how you can improve your process?

What if, after every date that didn’t go anywhere, or every two weeks of texting that fizzled, you ask yourself: What can I change in my dating process to make it more efficient, effective, and aligned with what I want?

Improving your dating process

Start by identifying something that consistently frustrates you about dating. Then ask:

• What do I need to learn?
• What action do I need to take to improve this?

For example, take the guy who drones endlessly on and on (and on!) about himself. Instead of sitting silently and suffering, you could:

• Stop asking questions that fuel his monologue.
• Saying, “I’d love for you to ask me a question now.”
• Finish your glass of wine or coffee, thank him for his time, and tell him you need to head out.

The next time you face a similar situation, try one of these alternatives and observe what happens.

• Did it improve your experience?
• What did you learn?
• What refinements will you try next time?

Use this technique to build the skills to be an intentional, empowered, and effective dater. Small changes like these will shift you from a passive participant to someone actively shaping your dating experience. And they can help you build confidence, clarity, and momentum.

How will you choose dating success this spring?

Please send me an email. I’d love to hear what's working, what’s not, and what you’re thinking about trying next. 

Good luck!

About Me 

Hi, I’m Rachel, and my coaching practice is dedicated to ensuring that successful professional women achieve the same success in their romantic relationships that they have in their careers.

If you are struggling to find a great partner to date or marry, I can help.

As a coach, I understand that each person's journey to a great partner is unique. That's why I offer customized coaching plans for your situation.

In our work together, we’ll uncover any patterns or beliefs that may be standing in your way and create a personalized path to help you move forward with confidence. I’ll be there to support you every step of the way.

If this resonates with you, let’s connect. A dating strategy session could be your first step toward creating the relationship you’re looking for.